Good for you :0)

Good for you, John!! It sounds like your intuition really paid off.

I do not understand the mindset of thinking an abusive parent is wonderful, either. I never had any of those illusions about my abusive parent. However, I have seen that dynamic in other adult survivors of child abuse. They might not use the word "wonderful," but they will continue to defend the abusive parent's actions and have a shield up (as you said) that is hard to penetrate.

Even though my sister acknowledges our mother's abuse, she still does not want anyone else to criticize her mother because she is family. I get a pass because I am family, too.

- Faith

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We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi

Selective Memory

When the birthparent was really abusive or neglectful,it feels quite disloyal to have the child keep telling you how wonderful his mom was, even after a long period at home. We are human, it sounds like 'It was so much better with my mom, gosh, I wish I could be with her'. When you have been trying your hardest with a very challenging child for several years, this is a very hurtful thing to hear. Yes, the attachment books do a wonderful job explaining the why, but this is about emotions, not logic.

Fortunately, a lot of kids don't have this fixation on wonderful mom. They can notice where they are and what life is like now. It is the ones who have their defensive shields up that have no idea that anything important has changed. It can be a long time before you do penetrate the shield, and it may not happen.

My middle son came home at 9. He had lived on the street with his mom, eaten from dumpsters, and been abused by mom's boy friends. I heard reapetedly how his mom was wonderful beyond description. Gentle discussions of what life was actually like, or gee that must have been hard went no where. After three years, I took a risk, I had to get through the shield somehow. After yet another 'wonderful mom' dissertation, I erupted and said 'Wonderful my ___, that woman drank like a fish while she was pregnant with you and permenantly messed up the wiring in your brain. You were her fourth kid, she knew that drinking was likely to damage you, and she did it anyhow. You have FAS, it will never go away, and it is soley from her drinking. You can tell me you miss her, or that good things that happened and that's fine, but dont ever tell me she was a wonderful mom, she didn't keep you safe.' I lucked out, it penetrated. We still had lots of talks about good things that happened, but no more wonderful mom. It was risky, but the alternative was no progress. He had RAD and we did attach. John

Adoption Under One Roof - Comments for "Ambivalence toward Dysfunctional Birth Family after Adoption"

Good for you :0)

Selective Memory