Just how bad can life be with an adopted traumatized child? After all, it is just a child, right? For most people a picture comes to mind of a sweet cuddly child, who is just looking for love, understanding, and positive reinforcement. With enough love, any child can be turned around. Those people who fail, they just do not try hard enough or they are just too critical. Before I began more than a decade of foster care, I might have said these things myself. Before I began fostering older children, I believed these things myself. After years of attending support group meetings, providing respite care to desperate parents, and mentoring foster, and adoptive parents I know a different truth. If you have not parented a child like this, then you have no clue what it can be like living 24/7 in the same house. I bring this up because of the recent abandonments of teenagers in Nebraska. 

I belong to a yahoo group for parents who live with children exposed to alcohol before birth. Without giving too much information, I would like to share some pieces of a recent plea made on the group for help. This is an extreme situation involving a very young child. Many will have trouble believing a child so young is capable of such extreme behavior. I am sure that is why this mother is having so much trouble getting the help for her child even though she has been begging for help. Even her husband is doubtful. Apparently, the child does not misbehave when Daddy is present.

I cannot tell you how many times over the years one of my daughters with FAS has looked me right in the eyes and emphatically said, “I remember doing it.” For a while, perhaps even a year or more, I believed it. There were times, years later when I still wanted to believe them because they said it with such conviction. In fact, there were times that I still fell for it. However, I have come to realize that I must double check everything, especially if it is something really important.

“But I remember feeding the dogs,” as the dog grabs a carrot stick covered in ranch dressing out of the toddler’s hand and devours it. “But I remember taking my pills,” even thought the pill dispenser for that day is full. “But I remember brushing my teeth,” as the dentist scrapes off the plaque and finds cavity number six. “I remember putting the ice cream away,” as it drizzles out the side of the container onto the floor.

Dissolving an adoption is a serious decision. Most states consider a parent’s choice to dissolve an adoption as child abandonment. Child abandonment is considered child abuse; therefore, your name will go on the state Child Protective Service Registry as an offender. Having your name on a state CPS registry as an offender means that you cannot work with children anywhere that requires a CPS clearance. Some examples of things you may no longer be able to do are Boy or Girl Scout Leader, Daycare provider, Little League coach, adopt, or provide foster care. The state usually considers the fact that you adopted a challenging child with severe behaviors as irrelevant. Adoption is serious business. Once you adopt a child, any child no matter how damaged, it is as if you gave birth to that child.

I understand your feelings of frustration because I have parented many challenging children over the years. I know it isn’t fair, especially when you did not cause your child’s problems. However, this is the way it usually is. Some people have had success with another option, but it is a long and difficult road. Of course, you are already familiar with that path, or you wouldn’t be hear, right. 

During 15 years of fostering children for the state of Michigan, we have helped to parent nearly 100 children. We adopted a daughter who came to us as an almost four year old who is now 15, who has FASD. When she came to us, her diagnosis was cognitively impaired also known as mild mental retardation. Like so many hopeful adoptive parents, we thought it didn’t matter. We thought that with our love and every special service available she could overcome her FAS. In some ways, she has. Today she has an average IQ in the low 90s, and test in the average range for achievement when tests are given verbally. However, life still is not easy for her, or for those of us who live with her. She frequently misunderstands written words making schoolwork a struggle despite an average IQ. She also struggles with writing understandable sentences frequently leaving out words and using incorrect forms of verbs and nouns. This also makes schoolwork a struggle for her. We have tried numerous countermeasures over the years; however, she rarely complies with them even when they really help her succeed. It is not my intent to make fun of children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome by this blog. However, sharing experiences helps us keep parenting our FASD children in perspective. Maintaining a lighthearted attitude towards the countless mistakes makes life better for the entire family. 

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later after all she is 19 years old and graduated from high school in June. I have had my foster daughter using the Depo Provera birth control shot for a couple of years already as a precautionary measure. Most girls in foster care do not wait until they are adults to start having sex. However, mentally she is more like a 10 year old, with an IQ in the 50 range. Precautionary measures were taken earlier because she can be influenced and persuaded by peers. Especially by those peers with the advantage of a normal IQ, who are initially attracted to her by her beauty and her outgoing personality. She has had her share of handsome suitors. However, once they spend some time talking to her and get to know her a little better, they realize her limitations and do not stick around.

After high school she enrolled in a work training program for six weeks. All of the students in the training program had some type of impairments. Some were emotionally impaired; others were mentally or physically impaired. It was nice for her in a way, because for the first time, she was actually surrounded by her real peers. She felt like she fit in, and made some real friendships with people her own age. Previously, most of her friends were 8 to 10 years younger then her. She started spending time with her newfound friends, which I encouraged. They went to the beach and the mall like typical teenagers and had a great time together.

On Their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Adult Child with Learning Disabilities and ADHD: A Family Guide author: Anne Ford,John-Richard Thompson asin: 1557047596

 Lisa wrote a disturbing blog yesterday, Adopted and Abused, about an adopted child who was severely abused. She wondered why a person would desperately want a child, pursue an adoption, and then abuse the child. I imagine most people in her shoes would be dumbfounded. Those who adopt infants without special needs certainly do cherish every moment with them. Here is a quote from Lisa’s blog.

Yesterday, I wrote an article about why spanking is not usually effective when disciplining the adopted child who has suffered trauma. I promised to write today on what does work and why. I mentioned offering rewards or dangling carrots in front of the traumatized child to modify behavior as a successful method. After 14 years of providing foster care, respite care, and day care to well over 100 children, and 25 years of parenting, we have tried about everything.

Now Ma’am, if you would just calm down some, your child would not become so out of control. You are overreacting and scaring the poor darling. Children at this age need a little privacy and freedom from parenting. Is there anywhere she can go to let things cool down for a few days instead of the juvenile home? Look at her; she doesn’t belong there, why she looks like an eight year old.

Officer, before you give me parenting tips, you might want to check my child’s record. She was just released from the juvenile home last Monday. She is on house arrest and running away is a violation of her probation. She is actually 12 years old, and that was her third stay at the juvenile home. I need you to arrest this child for assault. I am pressing charges. You see the black eye that she gave me just before she threw her lunch across the kitchen? She wanted me to run to the store to get her a F*%$@&^ croissant for her sandwich and I wouldn’t do it.

Dear Adoption Maharishi, 

DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do? 

So what do you think?

            Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

Last week, I addressed half of this loaded question and promised to finish addressing it this week. Thank you for taking the time to pose a question that many people may have and yet do not know who or how to ask. Again, I’d like to reiterate that it takes a special kind of family to parent this type of special needs child. When choosing to parent a child with a very low IQ you are choosing to make some kind of lifetime parenting commitment to that child. Even if you choose to place the child in adult foster care at some point, and assign guardianship to the county, you will still feel obligated to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing periodically.

There is some risk involved in placing your learning disabled (LD) child in an adult foster care home when chronological adulthood is achieved. These homes are not like a prison with guards watching over the adults. Many learning disabled adults are able to maintain jobs at places like Goodwill Industries while living in adult foster care. They may ride the city bus to and from work, to go shopping, and to hang out with their friends. You cannot force birth control on these adults so some end up giving birth. Many of these babies end up in foster care; they cannot live with the LD parent in adult foster care. There have also been cases of LD adults having sexual relations with employees of the adult foster care homes. These are not issues that parents like to think about in advance.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

 

“DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do?

 

So, what do you think?

 

 

Concerned Mom