adoption grief

Guest Blog: To Push or Not to Push During Crisis Pregnancy – Avoid Prolonging Decision

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Wed, 10/29/2008 - 23:45

Patricia DischlerToday's guest blogger is Patricia Dischler, the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Continued from here.

It's up to counselors to provide the "why." Give the birthmother the reason why prolonging her decision does nothing to make it easier. Especially for her. The longer a birthmother stays in "decision making" mode, the more pain she is inflicting on herself. It's one of the toughest places to be. Once a decision is made, she can breathe, she can begin to follow through on a plan and gain a sense of direction again. For adoptive parents, prolonged decisions hurt their sense of hope, sometimes discouraging them altogether from being a part of the adoption process. Then, if the decision is prolonged even after the birth of the child, the child is the one who suffers.

Infants need stability and security.

Guest Blog: To Push or Not to Push During Crisis Pregnancy – Understanding Why

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Tue, 10/28/2008 - 23:45

Patricia DischlerToday's guest blogger is Patricia Dischler, the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Continued from here.

I was fortunate enough not to be pushed into a decision for adoption, but I have talked with birthmother's who have felt this way and I see the difference in how they were treated. I also see birthmother's who may feel they are being pushed right now, that I know someday will understand it better and see it for the help it truly is.

The reason I saw my Dad's actions as pushing and not help was because he never explained to my WHY he was pushing me, he just did it. I believe that was a mistake on his part. Not that I think I would have been okay with the pushing or thought he was right and somehow stopped being mad at him for it - because at the time my emotions were ruling my thoughts, not my brain. But, at least I would have understood that he was not kicking me out of the house because he was mean or didn't think I could make my own decisions. I would have at least understood that he was doing it because he loved me and he was trying to help me.

It seems like I do a lot of repeating the mantra "Take time to understand the why."

Guest Blog: To Push or Not to Push During Crisis Pregnancy

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 10/27/2008 - 23:03

Patricia DischlerToday's guest blogger is Patricia Dischler, the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

One of the most difficult balancing acts of the counseling profession is in knowing just how far to push a client. Whether it be to push them towards a decision, an action, a realization, an acceptance; when a goal is ahead that you are hoping to help them reach how do you know how far to push and how far to let them travel on their own? When counseling women, and young girls, regarding their choice in an unplanned pregnancy, you hit many walls that are difficult to break through. Sometimes, help is needed to break through these walls and end up in a better place, but what separates "help" from "pushing?"

As someone who experienced both during her unplanned pregnancy, I can look back now and see which were helpful, and which were not.

Guest Blog: NOW WHAT? A Birthmother's Search for Happy Endings

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Thu, 09/25/2008 - 19:00

Patricia DischlerToday's guest blogger is Patricia Dischler, the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

It was April when I kissed my son goodbye. It took every ounce of courage and strength I had. When I walked out of those hospital doors without him it was as though I were nothing more than a pencil drawing of myself, I felt completely empty and without substance.

Unlike the months previous, the thoughts in my head had finally quieted and only one was left: "will he be okay?" It ran like a mantra over and over, drowning out any other ideas, emotions or motivation. It eclipsed even the simplest of thought processes, like "get up and get dressed" or "you need to eat."

Failed Adoption and the Effects on Adoptive Siblings

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 02/14/2008 - 20:55

On Sandra's post A Lost Child, a reader left the following comment:

How do you explain to your little boy that the little sister he was expecting is never coming home? How does a 5-year-old deal with that? Will he forever have an image of a lost little sister out there in the world? I know this really isn't the point, but I am curious as to how a parent would handle something like that. I quite understand that the prospective adoptive parents' would go through a grieving process and a feeling of loss but what about a child expecting a sibling?

All of those questions factored into my decision not to adopt a second time.