FaithA's blog

Trauma Tuesday: Powerful Video on Child Sexual Abuse

2009-01-06T07:15:06-06:00

Over on my personal blog, a reader posted links to a couple of powerful videos on child sexual abuse. The reader said that “These have been used for group presentations for Law enforcement events, Psych events, church groups, etc.”

I have screened them both. They are disturbing but in a way that will help you to understand the impact of child sexual abuse a little better. They are not graphic, but they are disturbing. You will see what I mean when you watch them.

The first one is called A Childhood Changed - Child Sexual Abuse:

I will save the second video for Trauma Thursday.

Sometimes pictures and music can tell a story in a way that words cannot. I find the pictures in this video heartbreaking.

Parenting a Special Needs Adopted Child Doesn’t Come Cheap

2009-01-05T07:15:03-06:00

As I have shared many times, my adopted child has some special needs (ADHD and asthma). Let me tell you firsthand – parenting an adopted child with special needs doesn’t come cheap.

Hub’s job does not provide good health insurance for his family. Believe it or not, it is less expensive for my son and me to buy our health insurance “off the street” than through the plan offered through his job. So, we are paying a pretty high premium.

Both Nicholas and I each have a $250 prescription deductible to meet before we move into only paying the co-pays. Nicholas always meets this deductible before January ends. (Our plan runs on a calendar year.) By the time we fill his prescriptions for Singulair and Flovent (two drugs to manage his asthma), his asthma rescue inhaler, and his ADHD medication, we have already reached the $250 deductible. (And this is before we even get into filling his prescription sleep aid so he can sleep at night, thanks to the side-effects of the Focalin.)

We then have a tiered co-pay system. Unfortunately, none of his medications are available in generic form, so we have to pay full-freight – Typically $50 a month in co-pays with one or two at $30 a month.

The day before Christmas, I went to the pharmacy to fill his ADHD medication prescription. Imagine my surprise when I was stuck paying the full amount. Of course, having him swinging from the Christmas tree is not an option, so I paid it and then called my insurance company.

Guess what? We have a $2,000/year cap on the amount of money that our insurance will pay toward our adopted child’s prescription medication, and he maxed it out!

So, just do the basic math: $2,000 cap reached + $250 out-of-pocket deductible + ~$150 a month in prescription co-pays + $116 for full-freight on December prescription = a helluva lot of money! And that is just for the prescription medication. I have not even included all of the co-pays for seeing doctors (pediatrician + asthma doctor + ADHD doctor), and the ADHD doctor falls under psychiatric care, which has its own deductible to meet, so we are paying full-freight on that one.

What blows my mind is that many of our readers are parenting children with many more special needs than just ADHD and asthma. They say you don’t have to be independently wealthy to adopt a child, but you pretty much need to be to afford to parent an adopted child with special needs.

Hippie Adoption Baby Names: Ridge

2009-01-02T07:15:02-06:00

Ridge … its meaning is "ridge" - Think Baby Names

The baby name Ridge is of English origin. The baby name is a “place ” name referring to a landscape feature, so it has no meaning other than “ridge.”

The baby name Ridge has only broken into the Top 1000 twice: #975 in 1988 and #1000 in 1989. See Popular Baby Names. This coincides with the launch of the popular daytime soap, The Bold and the Beautiful, which has a lead character named Ridge Forrester, played by Ron Moss.

The baby name Ridge is a good choice for hippie and nature-loving adoptive families. The baby name Ridge seems to crop up more frequently at Montessori schools, which tend to attract the hippie-type families.

Other than the character Ridge Forrester, I was unable to locate other famous people who share the baby name, Ridge.

Adoption Under One Roof has researched many baby names for you and continues to add more baby names to the list each week. Click here to see a list of baby names that Adoption Under One Roof has covered on its site, including links to more information about each baby name. The baby names are divided by topic and gender. Some baby names might fall under more than one topic. All baby names that Adoption Under One Roof has discussed are also provided in alphabetical order so you can search for a name easily.

This list of baby names is updated frequently as more baby names are added to the site. Whether you are looking for a baby name that holds an adoption meaning or simply a baby name that sounds pretty, you can find it here.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Trauma Thursday: The “Perfect” Child

2009-01-01T07:15:04-06:00

When people think about parenting an abused child, they often fear the worst – drug addiction, defiance, etc. However, not every abused child falls under this umbrella. Many abused children go to the opposite extreme, seeking to be the “perfect” child.

Those who parent a “perfect” child might feel extremely blessed. These children are significantly easier to parent. They get straight A’s, never cause any trouble, and are completely obedient. In some ways, it can even be like parenting a Stepford child.

Many people make the mistake of believing that a “perfect” child has not been harmed by the abuse, but this assumption is way off base. The “perfect” child is just as broken as the defiant child, but people are unlikely to help the child heal because they do not see the wounds.

The “perfect” child often has other issues that you are unlikely to see unless you are looking for them. These children are susceptible to eating disorders and self-injury as ways to help control the pain. They are often also overachievers who never get any satisfaction out of doing a task well. No matter how hard they try, they cannot reach perfection, and all they see are the flaws.

It is exhausting to be an overachiever and “good” all the time. Part of growing into an adult is pushing boundaries and spreading your wings so you can fly. The “perfect” child does not know how to do this.

A “perfect” child is also susceptible to peer pressure because she does not learn how to think for herself. The choices she makes are to please you, as the adoptive parents. As she moves toward adulthood, she may simply hand the reins over to another person, such as a boyfriend, and not every person is going to use that power as lovingly as you have.

If you are parenting a “perfect” abused child, be sure to continue therapy, just as you would for a not-so-perfect child. Therapy is especially important at the onset of puberty, when the child is battling all sorts of new emotions and understandings about past abuse but has no outlet for working through the pain.

Photo credit: JulieC

Trauma Tuesday: “Stuck” at a Younger Developmental Stage

2008-12-30T07:15:04-06:00

If you are parenting an adopted child who was abused, you might notice that the child seems to be “stuck” in a younger stage of development. I see this quite a bit with adult survivors of child abuse. An adult woman might wear little girl hair accessories and giggle like a child when she watches a Disney cartoon. Just because the body has aged does not necessarily mean that emotional maturity has taken place.

I suspect that the reason for this ties into the lost developmental stages experienced by abused children. Certain emotional needs were never met in childhood, so the abused child grows into an adult who still remains childlike in different areas of his or her life.

An adoptive parent or foster parent might notice that a teenager remains immature in different areas of his or her life. For example, a teenage girl might need to go to bed snuggling with a teddy bear every night. A teenage boy might show more interest in games that appeal to a seven-year-old child than to games intended for teens his own age.

If you notice this dynamic in your abused child, take note of what age corresponds with the immature behavior. This will give you a clue as to what emotional needs have remained unmet in your child’s life. Then, talk with your child’s therapist about ways that you can help meet those needs in your child.

I wrote a series on my personal blog about unmet needs. In this series, I talked about what needs must be met at each stage of development and what happens when those needs are not met. Click on the appropriate link to help you gain more insight into what unmet needs your abused child might be struggling with:

Photo credit: JulieC

When the Adopted Child’s Grandmother Passes Away

2008-12-29T07:15:05-06:00

This Christmas was a very sad one in the Allen household. A week before Christmas, my husband’s mother died suddenly from a stroke. While her health had not been great, it still came as quite a shock to all of us.

I am so grateful that I had written ahead on my blog and that we at Adoption Under One Roof took last week off. I was in no condition to be writing for those two weeks. However, now that my family has gotten through our first Christmas without Grandma, it feels really good to be back in front of the computer writing again.

In my blog entry entitled Kinship Adoption Makes a Real Family, Too, I shared about a recent death in which a man left behind his adopted daughter. Because this was a kinship adoption, even in death, people still referred to the child as “not his real daughter.” I am so happy that this was not the case with how people viewed my son when he lost his grandmother this holiday season.

My son was the only grandchild that his grandmother had, and she adored him. I lost track of how many people told me that she talked about my son all the time and how much joy he brought into her life. At no point did anyone say, “her adopted grandchild,” or, “at least he was only adopted,” or other such nonsense. This woman was the only grandmother that my son knew, and the loss he experienced was every bit as real as the loss of anyone’s grandmother.

In fact, most of the people who mourned her passing were not blood-related to her. Obviously, her husband was not, and he misses her deeply. I was not, and neither was my son; however, we both felt the loss. Many people came to the memorial service who were not blood-related to her, and their grief was evident. Blood ties are not what create love.

Family is simply family. It does not matter how we joined the family, whether through birth, marriage, or adoption. When you love someone, the loss is going to hurt, and we don’t need to create a hierarchy of who gets to feel what level of loss. I am so grateful that our extended family understands that Nicholas is a real member of this family and that his losses are not negated by the fact that he joined our family through adoption.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Hippie Adoption Baby Names: Skye

2008-12-19T06:15:05-06:00

Skye … its meaning is "fugitive" - Think Baby Names

The baby name Skye is of English origin. The baby name is generally used a nickname for the baby names Skylar and Skyler, both of which mean “fugitive.” It is also possible that the baby name Skye originated from the Isle of Skye in Scotland.

The baby name Skye did not break into the Top 1000 until 1987, when it was ranked #748. The baby name grew in popularity, peaking at #400 in 2004, and then dropped back down to #475 in 2007. See Popular Baby Names.

The baby name Skye is a good choice for hippie and nature-loving adoptive families. The baby name Skye seems to crop up more frequently at Montessori schools, which tend to attract the hippie-type families.

The most famous person to share the baby name Skye is Canadian singer and songwriter, Skye Sweetnam.

This list of baby names is updated frequently as more baby names are added to the list. Whether you are looking for a baby name that holds an adoption meaning or simply a baby name that sounds pretty, you can find it here.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Trauma Thursday: Telling the Adopted Child Painful Truths

2008-12-18T07:15:21-06:00

On Trauma Tuesday, I talked about the importance of believing your foster or adopted abused child when he tells you about traumas that he suffered. I also addressed a question that a reader posted about how to talk with the child about why his birth mother placed him for adoption but chose to parent his bio sibling.

Especially with foster adoption, adoptive parents are often put in the position of having to share painful truths with a child. However, this burden is not limited to foster adoption. For example, adoptive parents who adopted an infant through a private infant adoption might have to face telling a child that he was conceived through rape or incest.

Nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news, but it is our responsibility as foster or adoptive parents to share painful truths with our children when the adopted child is ready to process that information. The news is going to be painful no matter when and how the adopted child hears it, but we, as the adoptive parents, can present the information in a way that minimizes the pain and can provide the adopted child with a safe place to fall apart as he processes the news.

After speaking with numerous people about this “un-fun” part of parenting, including members of the adoption triad as well as therapists, I have concluded that there is no “magic age” in which an adopted child is ready to hear a painful truth. I have always followed the advice of an adult adoptee friend, who said to let my son set the pace about what he is ready to know at what age. When he is asking about a particular topic is when he is ready to discuss it (in an age-appropriate manner, of course).

I only answer the question asked without going into more detail than he requested. Sometimes he wants more information, so he will ask more questions, and I answer them honestly. Other times, he really did just want to know his birth father’s name but absolutely nothing else. By giving my son the power to regulate how much he is ready to process when, I enable him to set the pace of how quickly he can handle the information about his adoption.

Of course, there is nothing painful about the name of his birth father, but I do have other painful information to share with him. Rather than sit him down and blow up his world when he is not ready to hear it, I will share a little at a time as he asks, and I will share in an age-appropriate way. Some painful truths might take several passes as he grieves painful information on a deeper and deeper level.

I asked an adult adoptee what to do if he never asks about a certain topic. She assured me that, as my son approaches his teen years, he will ask plenty of questions that will bridge the way toward sharing full information about his history. It is normal for a person to want to know about the things that happened in his own life as well as the lives of others, so the opportunity will present itself to share painful truths as the adopted child is ready to handle them.

Photo credit: JulieC

Adoption and the Stay-at-home/Working Mom Debate

2008-12-17T07:15:07-06:00

Many new mothers receive a lot of pressure from other people about whether or not to return to work after becoming a mother. Some people believe that a baby needs his mother to take care of him 24/7, so the mother is doing the baby a disservice by paying a nanny or day care center to “raise her child” when she returns to work.

On the other side of the fence are those who advocate for the rights of the working woman. It’s not the 1950’s any longer, so motherhood should not be the “great equalizer” that puts every woman back in the home cooking, cleaning, and tending to babies.

When you throw adoption into the mix, the stay-at-home/working mother debate only heats up. On one side of the fence are those who say that the adoptive mother is obligated to quit her job and raise her adopted child as her full-time job. After all, if a birth mother wanted a day care to raise her child, she could have done that herself.

On the other side of the fence are those whose savings accounts are depleted after paying $20,000+ to adopt the child in the first place. Most adoptive families do not have an extra twenty grand lying around waiting to adopt a child. Somebody has to repay that loan after the adoption is finalized.

So, which side is right? Is there a “right way”?

I’ll admit it -- I used to be a stay-at-home mom snob. I believed that every child deserved to be parented by mom and that it was best in all situations. Now that I have done it and watched numerous people around me deal with their own circumstances, I have changed my position. I do not believe that there is a “one size fits all” rule to this aspect of parenting. You need to do what is best for your family.

Some of the most miserable women that I have met are those who are not doing what is best for their families but, instead, what other people have told them is best. I have seen working mothers break down and cry at work because they were not present to see their children take their first steps. These were all women who wanted to be stay-at-home moms but could not, either due to pressure from others to keep working or from the reality of needing the mother’s income to pay the bills.

I have also seen stay-at-home moms who are miserable because they miss the huge part of their lives that they had to give up when they chose to become stay-at-home moms. These women tend not to be very nurturing by nature. Their frustration with limited adult interaction seeped into their relationships with their children, making the home life less than ideal for all involved.

Bottom line – You need to do what works for you. Some people (like me) are fortunate enough to achieve a healthy balance, getting by with working part-time and still being available to do at a lot of the stay-at-home mom things. Others who must work full-time have compromised by getting the boss to let them work at home for a certain amount of time each week. You have to find the right balance that works for you and your family. Otherwise, you are going to have a very long road ahead of you.

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

Trauma Tuesday: Importance of Believing Your Abused Child

2008-12-16T07:15:06-06:00

I have previously written about the importance of believing your abused child if he tells you about an abuse he suffered that was not included in his file when you fostered or adopted him. Unfortunately, the information that the social workers know could merely be the tip of the iceberg.

As your abused child begins to feel safe in your loving care, he might become ready to begin working through the traumas that he suffered while he was living in an abusive environment. He might have had no conscious memory of those abuses as they were taking place. This is a normal reaction to trauma.

A child is helpless and unable to stop the abuse. He must find a way to survive the abuse while appearing “normal” to the outside world. So, he dissociates the trauma and does not talk or think about it again until he is ready to begin healing.

I know that repressed memories are considered controversial in some circles, but we don’t question them when we know that they happened, such as the person who does not remember a car crash after the fact or a soldier returning home from war who does not remember seeing his comrade’s body explode in front of him. Children have an even stronger ability to dissociate than adults do, so it is not surprising that abused children would recover memories as they are feeling safe and ready to heal.

On my blog entry entitled Trauma Thursday: Lost Developmental Stages of Abused Children, a reader shared about a kinship adoption in which she adopted her abused child at 15 months old. At three years old, he is talking about traumas that he experienced as a toddler. He is providing a lot of detail about what happened.

This reader believes her son, which is wonderful because that is what he needs. He needs to hear that it was not okay for people to abuse him, and he needs to know that he is now safe and will never be hurt like that again.

The reader asked the following question:

His b.mom is now expecting another son with a different man, she plans to keep this baby. Any advise on how to explain to my son why she couldn't take care of him but she could this new baby and at what age we should tell him? I love my sister-in-law but I do not really know how to navigate this situation for myself, let alone for my son.

In light the memories that the child is having, I would tell him that his birth mother was unable to keep him safe, so she gave him the gift of a safe and loving home. His birth mother is now older, in a different set of life circumstances, and believes that she can keep this bio sibling safe.

As for when to have this conversation – I would let your son set the pace. An adult adoptee friend advised me to let my son set the pace for what he is ready to know when. Raise the topic of adoption from time to time so he knows that the topic is okay to talk about, but follow your son’s lead about what he is ready to handle when.

For example, my son (who is seven) might go several months without asking about his birth family. Then, out of nowhere, he might ask, “Why didn’t my birth mother want to keep me?” This would be a good opportunity to talk about how his birth mother loved him enough to want to keep him safe. She was not able to do so herself, so she gave him the gift of two parents who had the ability to keep him safe.

Always be honest in an age-appropriate manner, and only answer the question that the child asks. That might be all the information he needs today, and then he might have more questions tomorrow. Let him set pace of what he is ready to hear.

Photo credit: JulieC

How do You Know if an Adoption Match or Referral is the Right One?

2008-12-15T07:15:06-06:00

One unique aspect of adoption is choosing the child that you will adopt. When a couple becomes pregnant, they are going to parent the child that they birth (unless they make an adoption plan, of course). Whether that baby is healthy or unhealthy, the biological parents are going to take what comes. They don’t have to think about whether this child will be a good fit for their family. They (hopefully) do the best they can with prenatal care to ensure that the baby is born healthy. Beyond that, they get what they get.

Adoption is very different in this respect. A hopeful adoptive couple can choose to walk away from a match or referral. They can choose to adopt a child with known health risks now or wait to be matched later with a child who (hopefully) has fewer health risks to consider.

Because hopeful adoptive parents have a choice about whether to adopt a particular child, they often wind up wondering how to know if an adoption referral or match is the right one for them. Unfortunately, there is no formula that you can key in and come up with the right answer. Whether or not a particular match is the right one for you is very personal to you.

Many adoptive parents just “know” when they have found the right match. In his blog entry entitled Guest Blog: Tyler, Coming Home, John words it this way:

My most important criteria is ‘the feeling’. When I have found the right child, the feeling is there, and selection is done. - John

I call this intuition, and I have learned to trust my intuition whenever I make a big decision. What “feels right”? Do I feel drawn to this child? Or do I have a pit in my stomach telling me that this match or referral might not be a good one?

You can go through a checklist of things that you want in a match, but, for me, my intuition overrides that list. For example, hub and I specifically said that we would not consider adopting a baby from a smoker. However, when we received the call that we were matched with an expecting mother who smoked, the match just felt right. Even though, in theory, we would not consider such a match, all of the pieces fell into place, and we just knew that we were meant to be this kid’s mother.

Of course, you need to make sure that you can handle any known issues. For example, if you faint at the sight of blood, then agreeing to a referral of a child with hemophilia is not going to be a good idea. Scroll through your “deal breakers” and make sure you can handle any known issues. Beyond that, trust your intuition. If you listen for that “voice” inside of you, you will know that you have found the one that is meant to be your child.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Hippie Adoption Baby Names: River

2008-12-12T07:15:04-06:00

River … its meaning is "a place and nature name" - Think Baby Names

Now that I have completed my series on the Top Ten most popular boy and girl names, I thought that it might be fun to explore some Hippie baby names for those of you who enjoy Julie’s Hump Day Hippie blogs. What better name to kick off with than River?

The baby name River is of English origin. The baby name is a “place or nature” name, so it has no meaning other than “river.”

The baby name River did not break into the Top 1000 until the year after the death of actor River Phoenix. The baby name ranked #927 in 1994, peaked in popularity in 1998 at #499, and has stayed in the 500’s and 600’s ever since. In 2007, the baby name River ranked #561. See Popular Baby Names.

The baby name River is a good choice for hippie and nature-loving adoptive families. The baby name River seems to crop up more frequently at Montessori schools, which tend to attract the hippie-type families.

Of course, River Phoenix is the most famous person to share the baby name River. I was unable to identify another famous person with the name River. Can anyone think of another celebrity named River?

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Trauma Thursday: When Abused Adopted Child’s Traumas Trigger Your Own Issues

2008-12-11T07:15:04-06:00

Many people who adopt abused children were once abused themselves. Those who know the pain of experiencing child abuse often have the most compassionate hearts for abused children, so it makes sense that they would want to provide the safe and loving home to an adopted child that they, themselves, never enjoyed.

Unfortunately, if you are parenting an abused child and were abused yourself, you are going to run into some issues along the way. Some issues that your adopted child has to deal with are going to trigger issues in you. This will put you in the position of needing to nurture your abused child while you also nurture yourself.

It is normal for adult survivors of child abuse to feel triggered whenever they are faced with something that reminds them of the trauma that they suffered. You might experience this as you read over your child’s abuse history, when your child talks with you about his past, or even when your child says or does something that strikes a nerve. You will need to be prepared to deal with your own issues and not them spill over into your child’s issues.

It can be hard for a child abuse survivor to separate out her own childhood trauma from issues that the adopted child is facing. In many respects, becoming a parent feels like your inner child is living outside of your body. It is normal to want to keep your child safe. However, you need to be wary of dumping your own insecurities onto your abused child, who already knows all-too-well how unsafe the world is. Do your best to keep your issues separate from your abused child’s issues.

If you are an adult survivor of child abuse, the best gift that you can give your child is an emotionally healthy mom or dad. If you have never gone to therapy to deal with your issues, consider going now. You are taking your abused child to therapy regularly, so why not do it for yourself, too? It will help you understand your abused child much better as well as help you to heal your own emotional wounds.

Photo credit: JulieC

Kinship Adoption Makes a Real Family, Too

2008-12-10T07:15:03-06:00

Last year, my son had a girl in his class who was adopted through a kinship adoption. How do I know this? Because people repeatedly told me about this history. You see, her father worked for the school, so all of the staff members and many of the parents knew the history of how this father and daughter came to be a family. For some reason, people liked to tell the story.

I had known the staff member for years (since my son started school there), but I did not know that he had a daughter in the school until I saw him come into my son’s classroom and pick her up one day. After that day, I would sometimes ask a fellow parent if she knew that K had a daughter at the school or say in passing that K’s daughter is in my son’s class. The response I always got was, “She’s not really his daughter. He’s her uncle, but he adopted her.”

Because I heard this response so many times, I assumed that perhaps he stepped in later in her life (she was 7 when I met her) and adopted her after her biological parents were unwilling/unable to parent her. I just found out that K actually adopted her as an infant!

So, this man and child have been father and daughter her entire life, and she is still referred to as his “adopted niece”?? How sad is that??

It gets worse. K passed away recently. He had been sick for a while and had to quit his job. I knew that he was in the hospital, but I had no idea that it was quite that serious. When I learned that he had passed away, I was so sad for his daughter. When I asked how she is doing, can you believe that someone actually said, “You know that she isn’t his real daughter, don’t you? He adopted her. She is actually his niece.”

OMG!!

This sweet, shy eight-year-old girl’s father has just died, and people are still viewing her as his “adopted niece.” That poor kid. I never saw the two of them interact in any way other than as father and daughter. The fact that she was adopted through a kinship adoption is not going to ease this little girl’s grief one bit.

It makes me so sad that people continue to resist the idea of adoption making a “real” family, especially with kinship and step-parent adoptions. My adopted child is no more my child than this girl was to her father. Just because my son joined our family through a “stranger adoption” versus a kinship adoption does not make him any more or any less my child than the relationship between this girl and her father.

Trauma Tuesday: Sexually Abused Children and Frequent Masturbation

2008-12-09T07:15:04-06:00

I received an email asking me to tackle the difficult topic of parenting the sexually abused child who frequently masturbates. Unfortunately, sexually abused children who frequently masturbate generally do not restrict this private activity to their bedrooms or bathroom when they are alone. They might engage in this behavior in the classroom, at a public park, or pretty much wherever they happen to be at the time they feel the urge (the compulsion) to do it.

Dealing with this behavior is understandably stressful for the foster or adoptive parent. There is the embarrassment factor of receiving phone calls from the school that little Johnny or Suzy is at it again. While this is bad enough, public masturbation can be dangerous to the child. If a pedophile sees a child masturbating in a public place, he is going to be drawn to abusing that child (if he can get an opportunity) like a moth is drawn to a flame.

Why do some sexually abused children frequently masturbate? This is not an easy question with an easy answer.

Sexually abused children have many repressed emotions to manage. Until they work through the healing process from the abuse that they suffered, they are going to turn to other ways to manage their pain. Using the body to manage emotional pain is a common way that abused children deal with their pain. In this respect, frequent masturbation serves the same purpose as cutting or burning, head-banging, and other forms of self-injury.

Sexually abused children generally do not get the same thing out of masturbation that a typical child enjoys. Instead, the feelings involved in masturbating elicit a combination of pleasurable and (emotionally) painful sensations. Some sexual abuse survivors masturbate as a form of self-injury, using sharp or hot objects to inflict pain upon themselves as they masturbate. Other sexually abused children might be trying to recreate the things that they felt during the sexual abuse as a way to help them make sense out of the sexual abuse.

If you are parenting a sexually abused child who is frequently masturbating, talk with your child’s therapist about the behavior. The frequent and inappropriate public masturbating is a sign that something is not right. The child is in emotional pain and needs to work through it.

In the meantime, try telling your child that masturbating, just like other private behaviors like nose-picking, is a private activity that needs to be done alone in either the bedroom or bathroom. If the abused child is using masturbation as a form of self-injury (such as masturbating with knives), talk with your child’s therapist about how best to restrict masturbation activities.

Photo credit: JulieC