The television show 90210 kicked off a storyline last week that is relevant to many traumatized children. Teenager Silver (played by Jessica Stroup) found out that her mother, Jackie (played by Ann Gillespie), is dying from breast cancer. Silver lives with her older sister Kelly (played by Jennie Garth) because Jackie is, at best, an unfit mother. She is an alcoholic and drug addict, and her substance abuse dates back to the original series. Let’s just say that Jackie won’t be winning any “Mother of the Year” awards.”

Kelly (who is ~ 16 years older than Silver) found out about her mother’s condition this past week, and her reaction was radically different from Silver’s reaction. Silver feels like she owes it to her mother to be there for her as she is dying, despite a  very long history of abuse and neglect. Before Silver found out about her mother’s diagnosis, she told her mother that she was dead to her. However, this news about her mother’s health has caused Silver to want to move back in with her mother and take care of her. Kelly, on the other hand, thinks the news sucks for her mother, but it doesn’t change anything.

I think the reaction of these two characters is very representative of what a trauma survivor experiences when finding out that an abusive birth parent is dying. Society pressures people into believing that, because someone is dying, all of the rules now change. Suddenly, whatever wrongs that person has done is no longer supposed to matter as the focus shifts to the limited time that the abuser has left. The focus then becomes on forgiveness, which society tends to define as reconciliation.

I am so grateful that this show is portraying one character as not buckling under the pressure to do what society says you are supposed to do when some who has hurt you is dying. The fact that an abuser is dying does not negate all of the emotional damage that the abuser inflicted when he or she was well.

If your foster or adopted child’s abusive birth parent is terminally, do not allow others to pressure your child into reconciling with that birth parent. You need to follow the child’s lead for what difference, if any, this news makes about contact. Some children might feel the need to have a final goodbye, whether that goodbye ends with a “goodbye” or “good riddance.” Don’t cheat your child out of having that last conversation if the child feels the need to have it (but be there to support the child because he or she is going to need your loving support).

However, if your child does not want to see the dying birth parent, do not force the issue. Either reaction is completely normal, and the abuse survivor is the one who needs to decide what, if any, contact is needed while the abuser is still alive. If your child chooses not to say goodbye, reassure the child that you support the decision 100%, and don’t let anyone else try to make your child feel guilty about this decision.

Photo credit: JulieC