Adoption and Rejection
Although we generally juxtapose adoption and loss, we rarely use the word rejection when we discuss adoption. After reading Linny’s comment on my blog about “An Adoptee in Pain," I decided to approach this subject once again. After all we are an adoption website serving all members of the triad.
Linny said this:
I'd have to wonder just how much adoption had to do with this person's life, or as John's basically pointing out------that she's just 'ungrateful' anyway.
When you are unwanted by the first and last resort of the second, the world itself is a spiritual wasteland.”
Rejection at any age can be horribly painful. An adoptee who feels that they were rejected by their birthparents and placed for adoption carries a deep hurt. No doubt each person handles this basic feeling of rejection differently. Some may go through life and never discuss it, while others lash out at adoption in general as the evil that brought them this pain.
We can use all the politically correct language we choose. We can tell a child that their birthmother or birthparents wanted the best possible life for them and therefore placed them for adoption. But these kinder, gentler words won’t prevent certain emotions and thoughts from emerging during an adoptee’s lifetime. Of course there are adoptees who feel very differently than the adoptee who refers to herself as an “ungrateful little bast@%#,” but I don’t think it is fair to dismiss her sense of loss and rejection as just personal problems.
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It's common
A therapist once told me that this is common. Before an adoptee is "chosen," he is first "unchosen." That is hard for some adoptees to face.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
So true. Many blame
So true. Many blame themselves for years... It's so deeply sad. I wonder what could be done, because adoption isn't going to go away any time soon. Perhaps the first step is acknowledging that it exists, talking about a child about their adoption from the moment they are old enough to hear about it and making their story more complicated and complete with each telling. Perhaps that might help, but it's a difficult situation.
Majority vs minority
Your comment "Of course there are adoptees who feel very differently..." seems to imply that these folks who don't feel ruined by adoption are surely in the minority, or perhaps equal to the ruined folks. I have been around adoption a long time. My experience is that, yes there are adoptees who have large issues with being 'unchoosen', but they are a small minority. Most adoptees do not focus on that issue.
People who need to wash their hands very frequently, do not do so because their hands are somehow unacceptable, but due to an issue in their personailty, they are obsessive-compulsive. I would suggest that the I'm ruined group has an equally intense need to bring attention and sympathy to themselves. Again, a personality issue, not anything about reality.
Are we really going for 'Adoption ruins people irrepairably'? John
John, no implication
John, no implication intended in the sentence "Of course there are adoptees who feel very differently..." - I have no idea how many adoptees are happy to be adopted or not or how many are anti-adoption. Of the adoptees I know, it runs 50-50.
Lisa s.
feelings are valid, but attitudes are chosen
Of course there are adoptees who feel very differently than the adoptee who refers to herself as an “ungrateful little bast@%#,” but I don’t think it is fair to dismiss her sense of loss and rejection as just personal problems.
Of course her sense of loss and rejection is valid, and shouldn't be dismissed. I would imagine all adoptees at some point feel a sense of loss and rejection. I think what is a personal problem is her choice to perpetuate these feelings and hold on to them rather than work through them. Just the title of her blog implies she has no intention of working through this any time soon. Granted, I haven't read her blog, but the harshness of the title definitely says a lot.
That bothers me, too
Yes, I agree with your assessment of the self-imposed label. There is a danger is defining yourself by anything that happened to you because you choose to limit your future. If she truly self-identifies as an "ungrateful little bast@%#, then that colors how much joy she likely feels she can experience in life. I went through this in self-identifying as a "victim of child abuse." Yes, I once was a victim of child abuse, but I am no longer a "victim" today. My life can be anything I want it to be.
I could have entitled my personal blog as anything. I chose "Blooming Lotus" because the lotus flower is planted in the muck and mire of the pond but sends out shoots (hope) until it breaks through the surface of the water and brings beauty to the world. That is a very different message than something like "The World's Doormat." The labels we choose for ourselves have power, and I find it sad if she truly feels that her life is forever marred by being placed for adoption.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
Although some people are
Although some people are able to work through their issues, others are not, or only to a certain degree. Some people are stronger, more determined or just plain survivors.
Lisa S.
for what its worth
I cant read her mind but I do read her blog and have for some time. My take on the title of her blog is that its a bit tongue in cheek. That she uses her blog to express her thoughts and feelings about adoption which is a part of who she is but i do not feel its ALL of who she is. And that by voicing some negative feelings about adoption she is considered by some to be an "ungrateful little bastard" and rather than spending her energy dispelling that label she embraces it in a light hearted way. Similarly you may see first moms comment about being "crack whores" occasionally do we truly feel this is who we are? no but it's a label thats been foisted on us so sometimes we use it in a joking manner.
Its so easy to jump all over someone who isn't here to set straight random interpretations of her blog.
Glad to hear it
I am glad to hear that the title of her blog is intended to be more tongue in cheek. Yes, I get that sense of humor.
- Faith
++++++++++
We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi
What is the meaning of is
Ungreatful little B_____ is not ambiguous. Taking it at its face value is not a random interpretation. Kind of like yelling 'Fire' in a crowded theater, the reaction is predictable and not random. She certainly could have benefited from some communications courses. She is either bitter and unhappy, or lacking in an understanding of the English language. John
Again, I'm agreeing with
Again, I'm agreeing with John on this one. (Yes, John......I'll pull up a chair next to yours. LOL)
What I can't accept here, is that the "Ungrateful B-" chooses NOT to separate the rest of her life from what occurred beyond her control.
In my life, the sumation of my childhood, it would seem my mother wasn't so thrilled with me either.
I'm not adopted; but for years, THOUGHT I was because of the lack of info about me (compared to that of my sibs), and because of the way my mom acted toward me.
I was the last child.
I was born years after my sibs.
One could easily think MY 'feelings of rejection' were because my mother disliked me. One might also suspect that my birth was 'unexpected', 'unplanned' and therefore, resulted in my mother's seeming rejection, couldn't one?
And yet, years later, in my own searching, I discovered that I WASN'T adopted. I also found that of the three kids, my mother was eager to get pregnant with a child (me). And, only years later, did I realize how much physical pain and agony she truly experienced dealing with a serious, physical illness.
In retrospect, it's very possible it was her deteriorating and dibilitating pain that caused her comments of bitterness and displeasure throughout my childhood.
Without that piece of knowledge, it was easy to assume her feelings and figure she just really-- hated ME. It wasn't until after she died (just about five years ago), that I began to see and understand parts of her I'd never understood before.
That's my point here. (Long way around the barn, I agree....but it's my point.) In this case, we only see what the blogger is allowing us to see. She's CHOOSING to list 'adoption' as the main factor in her disappointment in life. She's CHOOSING to list 'adoption' as the main ingredient in making her life 'less-than' it could have been. If only.....If ONLY.........
Yet, on the other hand, how DID her adoptive parents treat her and act about the title of adoption, you know? I read and hear about SO many women who continually lament of 'not being fertile and giving physical birth'...and I think, 'Get over it!'....because while they're lamenting, they have this adopted baby/child in their lives....What is that 'lamenting' really saying???
I'd have to agree it's possible their adopted child will grow up feeling 'less than', after hearing over and over again how their mothers 'couldn't get pregnant and their lives will never--feel--completely intact!'
Bottom line and either way....get over it. Quit assuming reasons, or work through actual ones.
Many of us have--or have had--horrible experiences in our lives. We can either allow those to keep us down, or use them as a springboard to rise up and BE all we hope to be. To quote Lincoln (as John already did)...."People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be!' It's a personal choice, of course.
In my case, I decided I didn't have any time to waste.
Sincerely,
Linny
Hi Katja, thanks for the
Hi Katja, thanks for the clarification of the use of the word bast#$% by the adoptee. I should have clarified this before. From my understanding, many adoptees use this word to make a statement that they are reclaiming the word "bast#$%," (such as the website "Bast$%# Nation),not so long ago a derogatory term used to describe any child who was illegitimate. Thankfully bast#$% and illegitmate are used less and less to refer to children.
I have read this adoptee's blog several times, and even posted on it, but she always removes my posts or responds with an incredibly hateful tirade.
The reason I chose her blog was to bring to light the fact that there are adoptees who have issues with their adoption. But as you said, "Its so easy to jump all over someone who isn't here to set straight random interpretations of her blog." To this I'm going to suggest that once you write a blog and place it on the internet, there is a good chance that it is going to be discussed. You are more than welcome to invite her to respond here - I don't think she would welcome my invitation.
Lisa S.
she sounds bitter
I have read this adoptee's blog several times, and even posted on it, but she always removes my posts or responds with an incredibly hateful tirade.
I don't know you personally Lisa, but in the couple months that I've been participating on this site I've never seen you say anything that would be so awful that it would need to be removed or responded to with a hateful tirade. The fact that she's done that to your posts on her site is a bit telling, if you ask me.
Thanks for that kind comment
Thanks for that kind comment Suz.
Lisa S.