Dear Adoption Maharishi,

A friend told me about a book that states that all adoptees suffer from a “primal wound.” What is a “primal wound”? Do you believe this is true?

~ Concerned

Dear Concerned,

The “primal wound” that your friend is talking about comes from Nancy Verrier’s book entitled The Primal Wound. In this book, Nancy Verrier (herself an adoptive mother who struggled to understand her adopted daughter’s pain) asserts that all children placed for adoption suffer from a “primal wound” from being separated from their birth mothers. The theory of the primal wound asserts that all children (even newborn babies) suffer trauma by being separated from the birth mother and being raised by a “substitute mother.”

Personally, I have a hard time buying into any theory that asserts that all members of a particular group will act and react the same way, whether that group is made up of people of a particular gender, race, religion, socioeconomic status, or, in this case, adoptees. I am more than just a married Caucasian Christian woman in my forties, and I know many married Caucasian Christian women who act and react very differently from me, even though we share certain characteristics. I had a hard time buying into the part of the book that states that any adoptee who does not feel a “primal wound” is simply in denial of its existence.

After I read the book The Primal Wound, I talked with adult adoptees in my offline life and asked them candidly if they believed that they suffered from a “primal wound” from being placed for adoption. These women told me no, and one was quite offended by people making such sweeping assumptions about her mental health. This woman was very close to her adoptive mother up until she died, and she later chose to reunite with her birth family. While she says that she was always curious about her physical heritage, she completely disagrees that she has a “primal wound” and told me to disregard this book altogether.

The symptoms of the “primal wound” sound very much like an attachment disorder to me. While some adopted children certainly do struggle with attachment issues, many do not. To make a sweeping statement that all adoptees suffer from a “primal wound” is unfair to those adoptees who truly do not exhibit attachment issues.

I would love to hear from any adoptees who are reading this blog entry. What is your opinion about the “primal wound”? Do you believe that all adoptees suffer from it?

Who are we?

This blog is written by multiple people and expresses our opinions and thoughts about a specific situation. We include adoptive and birth family members.

Our sense of humor led us to select this user name. Dear Adoption Maharishi can be abbreviated as DAM. We are being a little punny. Dam can be defined as a female parent and we are all female.

Do you have a question for the Adoption Maharishi? Please email your question to advice@ouradopt.com. 

Photo credit: JulieC