On Trauma Tuesday, I wrote about sexually abused children who feel responsible for being sexually abused by older siblings. Today, I would like to broaden the scope to talk about children who feel responsible for the sexual abuse they endured.

If you were never sexually abused yourself, you might be surprised to learn that many sexual abuse survivors believe that they are at least partially responsible for the sexual abuse that they endured, even though they were only children when the abuse happened. To an adult who was never sexually abused, the truth that a child cannot possibly invite or consent to a sexual relationship is obvious. However, a normal aftereffect of sexual abuse is for the traumatized foster or adopted child to believe that he is, at least in part, responsible for the sexual abuse, even if the perpetrator was an adult.

There is actually a rational reason for sexual abuse survivors embracing this belief. If the child is responsible for the abuse, then the child has the power to make it stop. The alternative – recognizing that the child has no power whatsoever to make the sexual abuse stop – is tougher to deal with because it removes all hope of the sexual abuse ever ending.

While holding onto hope through the faulty belief of feeling responsible serves a purpose while the abuse is happening, it is very destructive after the abuse has ended. A foster or adopted child who continues to feel responsible for the sexual abuse will have a much harder time healing from the trauma. He will be reluctant to express his anger toward the abuser because he does not see the abuse as the abuser’s fault. He will also harbor lots of shame and self-loathing.

Additionally, if the child continues to believe that he was responsible for the sexual abuse, it will color the way he sees himself. He might see himself as a sexual deviant, which can affect his sex life as he moves toward adulthood.

If you are parenting a foster or adopted child who was sexually abused, talk with her about how she feels about the abuse. Look for any signs of her feeling responsible for the abuse. A sexual abuse survivor needs to hear repeatedly that the abuse was not her fault.

Photo credit: JulieC