A reader found Adoption Under One Roof looking for information about the following key words: “adult adoptee no bond with mom.” Because the reader did not specify whether the “mom” is the birth mother or adoptive mother, I am going to cover both.

Adult adoptee has no bond with the birth mother.

Just because two people are biologically related does not mean that they will feel a bond. Take me for example – I have been trying to pull away from my birth family for most of my adult life due to childhood abuse. I don’t feel a bond with my biological mother, but she won’t leave me alone.

Look around at the biological families that you know. Even people who grew up in the same house together might not have a bond with their parents or siblings. It takes more than a blood connection to create a bond.

So, if you are an adult adoptee and do not feel a bond with your birth mother, don’t beat yourself up for it. It is what it is. If you and she both desire to have a friendship of sorts, you can do so even if you don’t feel a connection. The opposite is also true – if you don’t feel a bond, there is no shame in living your lives separately.

Adult adoptee has no bond with the adoptive mother.

What I said about connections (or lack thereof) with biological family holds true for adoptive family as well. Just because somebody served in the capacity of a parent does not necessarily create a bond, and this is true for both adoptive and biological family. Families come with all sorts of crazy dynamics. Some parents really connect with their children while others fail to “see” their children. Some parents are so busy trying to live through their children that they lose sight of the child’s individuality. Other parents are too busy with their own lives even to notice their children.

Either a bond exists between you and your adoptive mother or it doesn’t. Again, it is what it is. You can choose to have a relationship or not, and you can choose how much time you want to invest in that relationship. What worked for me with my biological family was to move away. That way, there is not an expectation of having to spend much time together.

Advice in both cases.

Not feeling a bond with your mom can happen with a biological or an adoptive mom, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for what you do or do not feel. My advice is to be polite, but live your own life. You don’t have to spend time with anyone you don’t want to, not even your own mom (biological or adoptive). Moving far away can really help with this.

I am not advising anyone to be hurtful. Even a terrible mom (like my abusive biological mom) has feelings, and most seem to want some sort of connection with their children. However, another person cannot force you to feel something that you do not feel. If you don’t feel connected with your birth or adoptive mom, then the bond simply isn’t there, and that is not something you should beat yourself up over.

If being in a relationship with your mom is hurtful to you (such as mine with my abusive mother), you might need to consider cutting ties completely. However, if the issue is just that you don’t feel connected but are not hurt by the contact, consider the occasional visit and acknowledging special days like birthdays or Mother’s Day. Stop trying to turn your relationship into something that it is not, and invest your energy into bonding with someone else (such as a friend) who can meet that need for you.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt